I’ve been a little absent for the last month.  Since quitting the Effexor, I have found myself battling the depression “demon” on a daily basis.   Some days are easy, others are brutal.  Sometimes I just want to give in and let the beast win.  Allow my depression consume me and finally drag me under to a level where I won’t be able return.

FUCK THAT SHIT

I still have a lot of living left in me, why am I going to give up that easy?  Parts of me are broken, but the Irish blood won’t give up.  Parts of me are fucked, but I’m fucked up enough to keep going!

I’m still trying to figure out who I am…

They wanted me to check out.  They wanted me to pull the trigger and end it all – and I won’t give them the satisfaction.  I don’t have enough scars to check out.  I’m just getting warmed up.

I’m rebuilding me…

It has been 11 days since quitting Effexor XR and I have had a constant flow of emotions. The main one was rage.  Everything would make me upset.  I think I had so much rage bottled up after the years of constant mental and emotional abuse that once I stopped the Effexor, the cork was out of the bottle.

The rage has pretty much subsided, and now I find that I can cry easier.  Yes, I can feel sadness without getting into a sever depression thanks to some of the techniques I have learned through DBT.

When you are on anti-depressants, everything becomes really “numb”.  Depression, feels like your in a fog.  When you take anti-depressants you see the fog, you don’t really give a fuck about it.  

I’m ok with being sad, as long as its temporary.  I watched Star Trek – Wrath of Kahn a few days ago and cryed at the end (where Spock dies and Kirk gives the Eulogy).  Even typing this, I started to get a little teary..  But that is Okay!!  I’m not laying in bed 24 hours a day sobbing uncontrollably because of it…

I’m sad about my divorce.  Really, I am.  I miss the way that my ex-wife and I would laugh at silly things.  I used to press the tip of my nose and stick my tongue out and she would laugh.  I would try to cross my eyes (I can’t seem to do it) she would laugh.  I do miss those times.  We had genuine love once, but I guess like every other emotion that fades over time.  Don’t get me wrong!!!  I am much happier without my ex-wife!!!  She was bad for me, and bad to me (emotionally and mentally abusive).  I wonder if I wasn’t on the meds, if she would have been easier to control and manipulate me as much as she did.  Maybe, maybe not – but I’m not dwelling on it.  My life is better without her and the Effexor in it…

I’m looking to the future and its looking pretty good 🙂

Since Monday (6/24/13) I have been completely off of Effexor.  Its been rough, but I’m not letting the withdrawl get to me.  I”ve been a slave to it long enough – so fuck Effexor.

I AM QUITTING YOU!!!

Fuck You Effexor

Not wanting to kill yourself does not equate to living.  

On Effexor, I was simply existing.  I wasn’t alive, just breathing.

For all my life, I have been a nose whistler.  I’ve been so desensitized to it that when someone brings it to my attention, I am normally shocked.   Then I will hear absolutely nothing but the dreaded whistle for days.  This time I did something about it.  I saw my Doctor.  I have wanted to get some nasal surgery done for a long time, but when you are married it seems that I was making medical decisions by committee.  So now that I was able to make my own decisions, and I wanted to get things fixed.

I figured I had my mental issues under control, so now it is time to focus on my body.  The first thing I needed to do was figure out exactly where my energy was going.  I was getting tired very easily.  Breathing was draining me of my energy.  My body was working so hard to get oxygen that it was exhausting me.  Before I could loose weight and exercise, I need to start at the basics.

Here is the inside of your typical skull…

Here is mine…

• The red illustrates a large polyp that has actually shifted my septum to the right.
• The blue illustrates my septum
• The green illustrates another polyp that has formed.

All together, the whole mess is so compacted that I get very little airflow.  The plan is to go in, remove the polyps, straighten the septum and remove my tonsils and adenoids.  I’m very excited!!  To think that I will have energy again!!  Surgery is scheduled for July 11th.  It will be an overnight procedure, so I will be staying in the hospital.

After this surgery, I will be starting with a trainer to help me get in shape.  Life is going so well!!!!

When you go through something like divorce, you do what you can to make sense of everything that is going on.  I wanted to put things together, to figure out exactly what to do with my life.  I started browsing the self help sections in Barnes and Noble, reading a lot of self help books, even thought about going to some seminars for “becoming a better you”.  I wanted guidance, I wanted reassurance, I wanted something meaningful.

I found what I was looking for in my stack of old DVDs.

I found reassurance in Fight Club.  No Seminar, no self-help connect the dots pamphlet, no Best Western conference room with stale donuts and coffee.

Fight Club reminded me of a few things I had forgotten.  First and Foremost…

We get so wrapped up in our lives that the thought of death takes a back seat to  things like “I have to mow the lawn”, “I have to take little Suzy to ballet practice” or “I really should buy a lottery ticket”.  Every day, we have meetings, calendar appointments, faxes, email, workshops, soccer practice, fencing lessons – but is that really living?  Yes, I know I may be a tad over dramatic.  Just remind yourself sometimes, “I know Someday I will die” – it will change your perspective and give you a chance to re-evaluate your priorities. Remember:

The next tidbit I took from Fight Club directly relates to my breakdown, my divorce, everything that was “devastating” in my life.  When you go through something like that, the one thing that you need to stay focused on is “getting through it”.  My mom has a saying that goes “There has to be a pony in that pile of horse shit” and it is pretty damn true.    The sentiment came through, loud and clear in the following quote:

I lost everything.  My wife, the child that I raised like she was mine, my friends, money, sanity – All Gone in an instant.  As terrifying as it was, as scared as I was, I was something that I had never been before – I was free.  I was the most free in my entire life.  It was such an intoxicating feeling, that I knew (after a few months) that I was going to be better than I was the previous 14 years.

I have been given (even thought I didn’t realize it at the time) a very special gift.  I got to be who “I” wanted to be.  No longer was I “Erika’s Husband” – I was me!  I could look like I wanted to look, fuck like I wanted to fuck and I could be EVERYTHING that I was told I couldn’t be!   It was like I was a blank canvas and I could paint my own picture.  I was 21 when I had gotten married, so I didn’t know who I was.  I took on the identify of what people wanted me to be, not who I wanted to be!  I AM FREE!

So In Closing – Fuck Tony Robbins, everything you will need to know to have a great life is in Fight Club!!!