2 for 1 Deal on Happy Posts…

8 10 2013

After my last post “Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)” I decided to re-read the rest of my posts to see how I have been progressing after the “Big D”.

I didn’t just read the posts I have posted, but also the ones I had in my Drafts folder, and I came to a conclusion.  I need to seriously get happier.

I’ve known this for awhile, but going through and reading my past thoughts basically put the nail in the coffin of negativity.  I’m not moving forward with my life if I am still stuck in the mud of my past.

So lets assess what I have going for me:

  • I’m relatively healthy – (36 nonsmoker)
  • I’m single (and ready to mingle!)
  • I live in a fantastic city – (Charlotte, NC)
  • I have great people in my life!!  Some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for!!!
  • I “feel” happier and ready to move forward

It is so easy for me to get lost in the “poor me” posts!  Where is the challenge?  How does one progress at anything if they aren’t faced with challenges?  I don’t always take the easy way out!

So here is the deal!  For every negative, mopey, bitchy post I write – I am going to force myself to write 2 upbeat, positive posts.

Starting Now!!

 

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Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)

7 10 2013

My church is a dimly lit bar

My pastor is the KJ

My Congregation are other fine bar patrons 

My sacrament is a Double Whiskey Sour

My sermon – “Fat Bottomed Girls”

 

Sometimes, people need something to hold on to during the hardest times in their lives.  Some take up the bottle, some run to church – I choose to sing.

I’m not the greatest singer by far.  I’m hardly in the running for a Grammy or American Idol.

But for 4 minutes and 16 seconds, I’m a rock star.  The music starts up and I testify to the world.  Tonight, its about my love for “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Oh you gonna take me home tonight
Oh down beside that red fire light
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round

The congregation responds by singing along.  They know this sermon and respond by witnessing with me, loudly and drunkenly.  I don’t want a beastly choir of angels, give me this crowd anytime.

Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me

The bell rings behind the bar and more patrons join in.  Screams of “Toohey!” come from the back of the bar – which is weird because I just watched my usual bar crew leave.  Its a co-worker who stopped in for a drink.

I’ve been singing with my band
Across the water, across the land
I’ve seen every blue eyed floozy on the way (hey)
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them naughty ladies every time

More people join in with the chorus..

Hey, listen here
Now I got mortgages and homes
And I got stiffness in the bones
Ain’t no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh, but I still get my pleasure
Still get my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you done made a big man of me (now get this)

I falter with the last half of this verse (partially because of my sacrament of Double Whiskey Sours, partially because I need more practice). Luckily, the KJ is the best in town and he knows to back me up and get me back on track.  He truly is a master at his craft…

Ooh, yeah, oh, yeah, them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls, yeah, yeah, yeah,
All right
Ride ’em cowboy
Fat bottomed girls
Yes, yes, right.

I finish to applause and walk back to my booth and order another drink.  I chastise myself a little for the flubbing of words.  Meh, I’m too hard on myself – all it takes is more practice.

Perhaps I’m a performer at heart, I don’t know.  I always feel alive and refreshed after doing a song at Karaoke.  I wonder if this is what people look for when they go on a spiritual quest….  I don’t really know, but it sure feels great.





The “Bitter” Battle…

1 10 2013

Every time I hear someone is thinking about getting married, or someone says they are about to “tie the knot” I unintentionally cringe.  I don’t even realize I do it!!!  Its instinctive, like smelling rotting broccoli or watching reality TV.

“Its ok Toohey, you’re just bitter” a friend told me after we were discussing yet another friend’s upcoming nuptials.  She is right, I am bitter.  I think marriage is significantly bad idea for ANYBODY!  Why would anyone want to give up their freedom and live under the tyrannical rule of an oppressive dictator?  Why would anyone want to invest all their time, love and money into making one person happy – only to have that person stab you in the back, treat you like shit, and make you want to end it all?  Why would anyone want to invite that PAIN into their life?  Why would…..

****WAIT A MINUTE!!!****

See what I’m doing?  I’m taking someone’s upcoming marriage and automatically projecting my failed marriage onto it.  They didn’t marry a midget with the personality of Kim Jong-il and an inclination to fuck married Auto-Zone employees for discounted  auto parts.  Maybe their marriage will be different?

I just have to learn to catch myself when the topic of marriage comes up.  Not all marriages are an exercise in doom and gloom.  Some are prosperous.  One of my best friends has been married for 20 plus years and they still look at each other with love and devotion .  They have two great kids and still go to Sci-fi Conventions.  This is a good solid marriage!

My divorce changed me.  It removed the veil of naivety and illustrated to me a simple fact, I married someone undeserving of my love.  I wasted 15 years.  It wasn’t all bad, but looking back, it wasn’t all good either.  I see how I was manipulated and lied too.  I see how I invested everything only to loose everything.

“I” is the key word.

Much like a dog that was abused by its previous owner, even the hint of wedding bells is enough to make me shutter.

I know this about myself, and that gives me the power to change it.  When I hear those bells, I don’t need to have the Pavlovian response of bitter words and feelings.

Maybe I just need to condition myself by rewarding myself with chocolate.  Everytime the topic of marriage comes up, I will give myself some credit.  I was married to Kim Jong-il for 15 years and survived to tell the tale!!!  That warrants a celebration!!!!!!





Floating on…

3 09 2013





We can rebuild..

12 08 2013

I’ve been a little absent for the last month.  Since quitting the Effexor, I have found myself battling the depression “demon” on a daily basis.   Some days are easy, others are brutal.  Sometimes I just want to give in and let the beast win.  Allow my depression consume me and finally drag me under to a level where I won’t be able return.

FUCK THAT SHIT

I still have a lot of living left in me, why am I going to give up that easy?  Parts of me are broken, but the Irish blood won’t give up.  Parts of me are fucked, but I’m fucked up enough to keep going!

I’m still trying to figure out who I am…

They wanted me to check out.  They wanted me to pull the trigger and end it all – and I won’t give them the satisfaction.  I don’t have enough scars to check out.  I’m just getting warmed up.

I’m rebuilding me…

 





Carnival of “Feelings” (Sadness)

4 07 2013

It has been 11 days since quitting Effexor XR and I have had a constant flow of emotions. The main one was rage.  Everything would make me upset.  I think I had so much rage bottled up after the years of constant mental and emotional abuse that once I stopped the Effexor, the cork was out of the bottle.

The rage has pretty much subsided, and now I find that I can cry easier.  Yes, I can feel sadness without getting into a sever depression thanks to some of the techniques I have learned through DBT.

When you are on anti-depressants, everything becomes really “numb”.  Depression, feels like your in a fog.  When you take anti-depressants you see the fog, you don’t really give a fuck about it.  

I’m ok with being sad, as long as its temporary.  I watched Star Trek – Wrath of Kahn a few days ago and cryed at the end (where Spock dies and Kirk gives the Eulogy).  Even typing this, I started to get a little teary..  But that is Okay!!  I’m not laying in bed 24 hours a day sobbing uncontrollably because of it…

I’m sad about my divorce.  Really, I am.  I miss the way that my ex-wife and I would laugh at silly things.  I used to press the tip of my nose and stick my tongue out and she would laugh.  I would try to cross my eyes (I can’t seem to do it) she would laugh.  I do miss those times.  We had genuine love once, but I guess like every other emotion that fades over time.  Don’t get me wrong!!!  I am much happier without my ex-wife!!!  She was bad for me, and bad to me (emotionally and mentally abusive).  I wonder if I wasn’t on the meds, if she would have been easier to control and manipulate me as much as she did.  Maybe, maybe not – but I’m not dwelling on it.  My life is better without her and the Effexor in it…

I’m looking to the future and its looking pretty good 🙂

 

 





Carnival of “Feelings” (Rage)

2 07 2013

It has been a week since I have taken my last dosage of Effexor Rx. To say my life has been great wouldn’t be completely accurate. In fact, I feel as though the emotional centers of my brain have opened the flood gates and allowed every repressed feeling spew forth like some toxic sludge. Here are just some of the things that have been circling my emotional drain..

**WARNING – THESE ARE FEELINGS AND THEY MAY BE OFFENSIVE**

Anger / Rage / Hate –

My exwife is a lying, cheating, pulsating pusfilled boil of a human being. I wasted 15 years of my life with that shrill of a woman, disgusting dead brown beaver tooth and all. I hate her so much!! I hope any spawn she has is aborted inorder to keep her twisted DNA out of the Gene pool… As long as I’m in a spiteful mood – I wonder if the Married Autozone Employee’s (father of a one year old no less) wife ever found out?

The clique known as CAA – These people are so deluded with their own “moral superiority” that they fail to see that they are just as bad as the Christians they rail against. I’m not ranting against all of CAA, just a clique of sexually transmitted dieseases that I considered close friends (even when they were stabbing me in the back). People who had no qualms with my ex fucking a married guy behind his wife’s back… so much for moral superiority. But, what can I expect from a clique who’s most prominant/vocal member claims to be a socialist – yet takes his kid to private school. Way to stand for your convictions douchebag!!

The NC DMV – do I really have to say anything else..

Fuck it, I’m just angry.. i’m not even in the mood to format this post…