Kicking Effexor in the Teeth…

27 06 2013

Since Monday (6/24/13) I have been completely off of Effexor.  Its been rough, but I’m not letting the withdrawl get to me.  I”ve been a slave to it long enough – so fuck Effexor.

effexor

I AM QUITTING YOU!!!

Fuck You Effexor

Fuck you for dulling my pain when I needed it
Fuck you for dulling my happiness when I wanted it
Fuck you for dulling my sadness when I craved it
Fuck you for dulling every fucking emotion that I have had for the last 7 years
I’ve slipped through your icy grip and I’m kicking in your teeth
You can’t dull the rage I feel for you
 

Not wanting to kill yourself does not equate to living.  

On Effexor, I was simply existing.  I wasn’t alive, just breathing.

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If the nose knows…. (or my upcoming surgery)

12 06 2013

For all my life, I have been a nose whistler.  I’ve been so desensitized to it that when someone brings it to my attention, I am normally shocked.   Then I will hear absolutely nothing but the dreaded whistle for days.  This time I did something about it.  I saw my Doctor.  I have wanted to get some nasal surgery done for a long time, but when you are married it seems that I was making medical decisions by committee.  So now that I was able to make my own decisions, and I wanted to get things fixed.

I figured I had my mental issues under control, so now it is time to focus on my body.  The first thing I needed to do was figure out exactly where my energy was going.  I was getting tired very easily.  Breathing was draining me of my energy.  My body was working so hard to get oxygen that it was exhausting me.  Before I could loose weight and exercise, I need to start at the basics.

Here is the inside of your typical skull…

normal-CT

 

Here is mine…

 

insideofmyhead2

 

  • The red illustrates a large polyp that has actually shifted my septum to the right.
  • The blue illustrates my septum
  • The green illustrates another polyp that has formed.

All together, the whole mess is so compacted that I get very little airflow.  The plan is to go in, remove the polyps, straighten the septum and remove my tonsils and adenoids.  I’m very excited!!  To think that I will have energy again!!  Surgery is scheduled for July 11th.  It will be an overnight procedure, so I will be staying in the hospital.

After this surgery, I will be starting with a trainer to help me get in shape.  Life is going so well!!!!

 

 





Karaoke soothes the savage beast…

6 06 2013

Some people think its lame, but I love karaoke. The opportunity to go in front of an audience and belt out whatever tune I want makes my life really easy. I may not be any good (I haven’t cleared out the bar or made someone bleed from the ears) but I do love performing. I always have loved performing. When I was young, I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to do theatre, to see my name in lights. For now, I’ll stick with karaoke.

Nothing gives me more of a rush like being in front of a full bar and belting my heart out. For that brief instant, I’m on the top of the world. When life gets tough, I know there will always be karaoke. Its the small wins that make life great. The “2 candy bar drop outta the snack machine when you only pay for one” moments.

People need to be reminded that life is good. With all the war, disease, unemployment going on in the world – we need something to bring us together. Karaoke may be the answer. Maybe we can use it to bring together peacefully. Like any good visionary, I have a plan to do just this.

At the next United Nations meeting, instead of the typical meetings and gavel pounding, we put in a world class karaoke machine. Bring in a couple of kegs and some chicken wings (no pork or beef) and let these world leaders have some fun together.

I have made some of my best friendships during karaoke. Hell, maybe its time to use its mystical musical power for more than mere bar entertainment.





I’m a lover, not a fighter (yet, love still kicked my ass)

5 06 2013

Everyone has defense mechanisms and mine is humor. For example, I was recently semi-flirting/playfully teasing this girl at a local bar. Her boyfriend (a mullet sporting gentleman) decided he would “mark his territory” by coming over to her and kiss her (4 inches from my face). He didn’t just kiss her, he basically inspected the contents of her stomach with his tongue. I was pretty much grossed out by the ordeal (watching a redneck play tonsil hockey for the purpose of identifying his “woman”, isnt what I would consider quality entertainment) but chuckled. He turned his attention to me, and without missing a beat my defense mechanism kicked in. “I’m not going to kiss you like that” I told him. It obviously confused him, and I walked away having been completely entertained by the whole ordeal.

I’m not a fighter, in-fact, I was only ever in 1 fight in my entire life! I really don’t like violence – I don’t see the point, which is why I find myself in an odd position now.

I’ve always considered myself a lover. The little things of love have always been the things that have made me the happiest. The smell of a lovers hair, the sparkle in their eyes, the touch of their hand on my back when they walk up to me from behind – those things that make me truly happy. I enjoy writing cheesy jokes and poems, just to get the satisfaction of seeing them laugh. It is the cherry on the ice cream sunday of my life.

Which also terrifies me. I’m going to admit to you, my darling reader, I’m kind of terrified to fall in love again. The thought of it makes me a little anxious. I know it isn’t something one schedules (“I have a dentist appt. at 2, and then I’ll fall in love with someone between 3 and 4, then take the kids to soccer practice and be home by 6:30”) but it kind of falls out of the sky and bonks you on the head like the Newtonian Apple.
I think I have been trying to figure out some kind of magic equation that will give me some peace of mind. Something like “length of marriage / number of after marriage hookups + number of rebound relationships x 2 = the appropriate time to fall in love again”. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that Cupid wasn’t a mathematician.
But in reality, isn’t part of the allure of love exploring the possibilities? Maybe that is the light that pierces the darkness that is my anxiety? Much like the lotto, “you have to be in it to win it” and true love is worth more than any lotto ticket.

So I’m going to take off my helmet and see if I get knocked in the head by some free falling fruit. I have two qualities going for me, a big Irish heart and a thick Irish skull 🙂

Love you all!!





Refections of the last 36 years..

4 06 2013

Today I turn 36. Another year stronger and more appreciative of the awe inspiring happenings of life and those around me. I’ve learned some lessons along my path, and I am writing them down with the hopes that you, my dear reader, enjoy and consider what I have picked up along the way.

  • When life knocks you down, get back up and tell life it hits like a bitch..
  • Mr. Yuck means poison
  • Starbucks every morning is crazy,
    there a perfectly good coffee machine at work.
  • Friends will empathize when you cry, true friends allow you to cry on their shoulder
  • Kidney Beans taste great in anything
  • Dogs love you their entire lives – unconditionally.
  • Standing up for yourself is good, standing up for those who cant stand up for themselves is greater
  • Justice is blind, but still has pockets
  • Try to eliminate hate from your life. Reserve it for murderers, rapists, divorce attorneys and ex-spouses
  • Be silly – its fun!!
  • Karaoke will cure stage fright
  • Respect shouldn’t be blindly given, only earned
  • Celebrate your Birthday, you only have a limited number
  • Fencing is fun
  • Acting!!!!
  • Mental patients are awesome people!
  • Mental patients singing christian karaoke – not so awesome
  • Failing at something is ok
  • Not all children are cute
  • If something has 5 screws come out, chances are those 5 screws need to go back in
  • Always rename files, never delete
  • Don’t confuse lust for love
  • Being alone doesnt mean you’re lonely
  • You aren’t your fucking khakis!
  • Don’t Gargle with Rubbing Alcohol
  • Masturbation is healthy and fun!
  • Enjoy you’re mental breakdown
  • Rebel against authority (even if it as insignificant as wearing completely different socks at work)
  • Reconnect with the “black sheep” of your family – they have the best stories
  • Watching the reactions to fireworks on a 9 year olds face is magical
  • Catch lightning bugs, but always let them go
  • Always take a whistle hiking
  • Radical Honesty works – that way you don’t waste you’re time trying to remember the lies you told.
  • The latest and greatest gadget will be next years landfill.

Hope you learned something!!!





Screw Tony Robbins, I’ll take Tyler Durden…

2 06 2013

When you go through something like divorce, you do what you can to make sense of everything that is going on.  I wanted to put things together, to figure out exactly what to do with my life.  I started browsing the self help sections in Barnes and Noble, reading a lot of self help books, even thought about going to some seminars for “becoming a better you”.  I wanted guidance, I wanted reassurance, I wanted something meaningful.

I found what I was looking for in my stack of old DVDs.

fightclub

 

I found reassurance in Fight Club.  No Seminar, no self-help connect the dots pamphlet, no Best Western conference room with stale donuts and coffee.

Fight Club reminded me of a few things I had forgotten.  First and Foremost…

First-you-have-to-give-up-first-you-have-to-know

We get so wrapped up in our lives that the thought of death takes a back seat to  things like “I have to mow the lawn”, “I have to take little Suzy to ballet practice” or “I really should buy a lottery ticket”.  Every day, we have meetings, calendar appointments, faxes, email, workshops, soccer practice, fencing lessons – but is that really living?  Yes, I know I may be a tad over dramatic.  Just remind yourself sometimes, “I know Someday I will die” – it will change your perspective and give you a chance to re-evaluate your priorities. Remember:

tyler-fight-club-quote7

The next tidbit I took from Fight Club directly relates to my breakdown, my divorce, everything that was “devastating” in my life.  When you go through something like that, the one thing that you need to stay focused on is “getting through it”.  My mom has a saying that goes “There has to be a pony in that pile of horse shit” and it is pretty damn true.    The sentiment came through, loud and clear in the following quote:

durden1

I lost everything.  My wife, the child that I raised like she was mine, my friends, money, sanity – All Gone in an instant.  As terrifying as it was, as scared as I was, I was something that I had never been before – I was free.  I was the most free in my entire life.  It was such an intoxicating feeling, that I knew (after a few months) that I was going to be better than I was the previous 14 years.

quote-tyler-durdenI have been given (even thought I didn’t realize it at the time) a very special gift.  I got to be who “I” wanted to be.  No longer was I “Erika’s Husband” – I was me!  I could look like I wanted to look, fuck like I wanted to fuck and I could be EVERYTHING that I was told I couldn’t be!   It was like I was a blank canvas and I could paint my own picture.  I was 21 when I had gotten married, so I didn’t know who I was.  I took on the identify of what people wanted me to be, not who I wanted to be!  I AM FREE!

So In Closing – Fuck Tony Robbins, everything you will need to know to have a great life is in Fight Club!!!





The importance of friends (especially after divorce)

27 03 2013

When it comes to divorce, you are going to loose people in your life. In some cases, your married friends may start distancing themselves. Which is understandable, since your divorce will potentially expose weaknesses in their relationships. Some may simply choose your ex over you and some may just be assholes.
What matters is the friends that stick with you after the dust settles. I’m lucky, I have found some people who are willing to give me their shoulder when I need it, their ear when they I need someone to listen and strength when I’m weak.
This isn’t some drunken mushy post (though the whiskey has been flowing) but it really comes from the heart.
When you get divorced, your life gets turned upside down. You don’t know which direction is up. But, its those people that are there for you that make it easier. When the chips are down, and you feel like everything sucks – you can always get a laugh, a hug or some straight forward advice you can count on your friends to lift you up.

So if you’re going though a divorce, and times are getting unbearable, turn to your friends. You will have ones that shrug you off (they are the ones you should ditch) and then the ones who will joke, cry and care for you.
The secret, is that all the friends that aren’t there take up space on your “friend plate”. The ones that don’t care just take up valuable space on that friend plate. Its like going to a buffet and loading up your plate with the chocolate pudding that tastes great in the beginning but gives you the runs 2 hours after. Better to load up your plate with some solid food and be fulfilled..