Gratitude on the last day I’m 38…

3 06 2016

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Today is the last day I am 38 years old.  People say time flies when you are having fun so when I realized it was the week of my birthday, I wanted to reflect on the journey I’ve had since the divorce.  I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I use the breakup as a point of measurement.  I was broken, alone and angry.  I was pissed off at the world and everything in it.  I hated myself for being a failure.  I hated that love made me so vulnerable, and so I hated the idea of love as well.  I thought I knew it all, but in reality, I knew nothing.

That is where this blog came into play.  I needed to reboot myself, reload the Toohey Operating System and move on.  I used this blog as a sounding board to get my feelings out.  I would write posts, read them over and not post them.  It was me getting my emotional house in order.  It has taken me 4 years, and I finally feel at peace.  I realize now that nothing is forever, and that the only constant in the universe is change.

The love I shared with my exwife is gone, and that is a sad thing for me.  I realize we are different people now so our love always kind of had an expiration date on it.  I wasn’t happy being married.  She wasn’t happy being married.  Why stay married at that point?  I see that now.  Our parting was toxic, and I regret that.  I think on some level we could have remained civil, but what is in the past is in the past.  I thank her for leaving and allowing me to hit rock bottom.

The people who stayed by my side through this whole ordeal.  I know I wasn’t the greatest friend.  I know I was angry, pissed off and hardly fun to be around.  I thank you so much for staying.

All the new people who have come into my life since then.  Thank you so much for understanding.

All my friends (burners, freethinkers, karaoke crew) – Thank you so much for the laughs, the love, the advice and being here for me.  Without you guys, I wouldn’t be here.

I’ve made a decision regarding my tooheyreloaded blog.  I’m retiring it.  I’ll still keep the content up, but I won’t use it as my primary outlet anymore.  I’ve started my new blog http://www.2theburn.com and I should have some content over there soon.  I think tooheyreloaded was critical during a point in my life, but I’m past that point now.

Thank you all for joining me on this wild ride.  Love you!

 

 

 

 


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Categories : Feelings, Thankful

Time flies when you are having fun…

21 10 2015

I’m going to admit to you my favorite reader.  I have a problem.  Acknowledging the problem is normally the first step in solving the problem.  So here goes.  I’m a terrible blogger.

I know, some of you may think I have been a little too hard on myself – but its true.  I’ve neglected “Toohey Reloaded” for far too long.  Its been well over a year since my last update.  I’ve been busy.  I’ve been having fun.  Unfortunately, those are lame excuses and I beg your forgiveness.

So what have I been up too you may ask?  Well, life.  I’ve been busy.  Here are just a few things that are off the top of my head (in no particular order).

I met Bernie Sanders at a Rally in South Carolina!!

Bernie Sanders and me!

#feelthebern

Had a Great Birthday!

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Happy Birthday to Me!!! (Thanks Michelle!!)

Visited the West Coast (San Francisco!!)

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Liza is ready to toss me out of the Coit Tower

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Awesome friends, awesome bar, one of my favorite memories of San Fransisco

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Dipping my toes in the Pacific Ocean…

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Don’t worry, I got this…

Caught Weird Al’s Encore in Albany

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Made it from Claryville to Albany in an hour and a half! Just in time to catch his Encore!

Spent Some time at the Johnny Cash Museum in Nashville

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Spent time in the Johnny Cash Museum while in Nashville for the Taste of Tennessee Wine Festival

Went on an EPIC Zombie Crawl

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Probably one of my favorite events of 2014. This Bar Crawl was so much fun we added Lucky Lou’s to it. We were pretty blitzed when we showed up…

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How many drinks have I had B?

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We survived the night!!! But who wrote on my chest??

I may have added some features to my body…

Can't go wrong with Hunter!

Can’t go wrong with Hunter!

Yep - Branded with Burning Man right above my heart!

Branded with Burning Man right above my heart!

Dont forget spending time with friends..

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Another relaxing day by Katie’s Pool

Morgan and Try (one of our many adventures)

Morgan and Try (one of our adventures)

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PDF Fall 2015 – Some of Camp Sexy and Cracker Jack’s Booty Camp

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Dove and Pocket Laura

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PDF Fall 2015 – Justice League… erg… Legion of Doom… erg… these guys..

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PDF Fall 2015 – Backfield Crew (parkers and greeters getting along)

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PDF Fall 2015 – Mnah Mnah… doo doo doo doo doo…

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PDF Fall 2015 – Jenny and Deb

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Lunch with Hana (Missed you at PDF!!!)

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PDF Spring 2015 – Hotdog!!

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Karnak and Jenny molesting a statue of Eleanor Roosevelt on the Ronald Reagan Washington DC tour…

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Portal 2015 – Claire!!!

Spring PDF 2015 - Parking Crew Assemble!!

Spring PDF 2015 – Parking Crew Assemble!!

So, yeah.  I’ve been having fun.  My life is a blast and I have wonderful people in it.  For a long time I didn’t think I could be this happy and I’m really glad to have been proven wrong. 🙂

So until next time!! Have a blast!!

So until next time!! Have a blast!!


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Categories : Uncategorized

“So there I was, being incredibly awesome and then I died”

9 06 2014

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My upcoming sinus surgery got me thinking about my mortality and what I should be doing with my life.  I “did” the traditional American thing.  The “go to college, get a job, marry girl” mantra that our parents and teachers instill in us growing up.  Sadly, the girl in the equation never really turned out to be anything worth having children with.  Now, that may be a little harsh – but deep down, I think the reason I didn’t want children was because I knew exactly what she was.  She saw children as a meal ticket.  A “get out of divorce and have financial stability” gift card.  Her eyes would always light up when she would talk about her aunt who was raking her ex-husband over the coals.  Apparently, bells and alarms were going off in my sub-conscious and my body was on full born “DO NOT BREED” alert. 

Now that chapter is closed and I’m 15 years older and wiser.  Well, at the very least 15 years older.  I still have plenty of stupid shit to do.  I want to hike the Appalachian Trail, have breakfast at Base Camp at the foot of Mount Everest, win the “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest” in Coney Island, etc.  I have a ton of shit to do…

And what will it mean?  Sure, I’ll have a blast doing it.  My adventures will be cool stories to tell.  But, who am I going to tell them too?  To whom will I pass on the torch?  How am I not going to be forgotten when I’m gone?

They say that children force men to “grow up”.  I’ve already had my grow up moments.  Try going through a divorce and institutionalizing yourself – it makes you grow up real quick.  Part of growing up makes you acknowledge your own mortality.  I’m not as young as I used to be (hitting 37 has also brought a lot of this up). 

Maybe having kids are an adventure all on their own.  You get to dress them in funny clothes, they say the most outrageous things and you get to pass on knowledge that you have acquired (whether they want to listen or not).

I’ve had the title of this post running through my head the last couple months and it illustrates the need I have for an heir.  Someone to pass the Toohey name (and awesomeness) on too…

I want a kid (and besides, isn’t “Hunter Stockton Toohey” a badass name anyway?!!?!)

 

 


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Categories : Uncategorized

Reflections on 36…

3 06 2014

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Today (6/03/14) is the last day I will be a 36 year old man.  I felt it appropriate to reflect on how “Toohey 36” was in general and how “Toohey 37” will be awesome.  Here are just some of the things I have figured out..

  • NC DMV does not fuck around when it comes to fucking things up
  • Pickles are great for dehydration (and hangovers)
  • Fighting about android vs iPhone is silly
  • Embrace the people that come into your life, even if it is only for 2 weekends out of the year and keep in touch
  • Jameson and McDonald’s Big Macs do not go together
  • Embrace my friends and keep them close
  • Life isn’t guaranteed, and neither is love
  • Karaoke soothes the savage beast
  • Karaoke plus alchohol generally makes a lot of noise and eventually pisses the savage beast off to the point of him leaving and finding another bar
  • Sunscreen before alcohol = better sunscreen coverage
  • Sunscreen after alcohol = sunburns in weird places
  • Clown noses on boobs are a beautiful thing
  • Spending time with a great friend convincing people to put clown noses on boobs = genius in the making
  • It is ok to hurt, but striking out at someone because they hurt you isn’t very cool
  • Charlie likes cat food way too much
  • The match isn’t over until the 8 ball drops (or you scratch on the 8)
  • I may not win many pool matches, but I’m getting better every game
  • Avoid the “Poisoned Pill”
  • Laughing beats crying every time – both are important, but this is critical when trying on pants or swimwear
  • Laugh off the pain, make pain your bitch
  • Judgements = just don’t do them.  People will surprise you if you give them a chance
  • I saved my sister’s life by telling her to use the flashlight app on her phone – yeah, I’m a hero
  • Fuck negativity, you have a limited amount of hours on the planet and you need to make them count
  • My family is amazing, and I need to tell them that more
  • I’m proud of my mom, she is one hell of a woman!
  • My coworkers rock, and put up with a lot of my shit

 

I’m still here, still breathing and living


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Categories : Uncategorized

“Rowlf has it right” or “Relationship advice from a piano playing canine..”

27 03 2014

Relationship advice from the muppets…

I went and saw the latest Muppet movie (“Muppets: Most Wanted” which was hysterical, check your local listings for showtimes) which inevitably lead me back to listening to the Original Muppet Movie soundtrack and I had a flashback to my childhood.  My favorite song from the movie was one called “I Hope That Somthin’ Better Comes Along” in which a piano playing Rowlf sings with a heartbroken Kermit about the most puzzling, confusing topic on the face of the planet – women.

It starts out:

(Spoken)

Rowlf:Listen, when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every fallen star!
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf: Yeah, typical. That’s why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf: You bet! (starts the song’s intro) I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf: “Stay away from women.” That’s my motto.
Kermit: But I can’t.
Rowlf: Neither can I. That’s my trouble…

Thats my struggle.  I want to live “nice and simple” but I tend to get wrapped up in thoughts of women, relationships and dating.  Rowlf puts it out there – “Stay away from women” – but we can’t.  It’s impossible, because:

(Singing)
Rowlf:
You can’t live with ’em, you can’t live without ’em.
There’s somethin’ irresistabullish about ’em.
We grin and bear it ’cause the nights are long.
I hope that somethin’ better comes along.

And sometimes, somethin’ better does come along.  Burn Season, Kickball, Pool League, I’m joining softball in the Spring – I have done more during my “Nice and Simple” times than I ever did while I was in a relationship.  The “Somethin’ Betters” keep us focused, for a short period of time – but when it comes to women, there really is something irresistabullish about them.

And the cycle happens all over again.  And as Kermit Sings:

Kermit:
It’s no good complainin’ and pointless to holler.

This clicked with me.   Its pointless to bitch and moan about dating, because its all cyclic, highs and lows, ebbs and flows.

I’m going to have “Somethin Betters” and “Grin and Bear its” and it took a piano playing canine and a heart broken frog to remind this 36 year old that.

Thanks to Jim Henson for bringing the magic of the Muppets to me – you truely are missed Mr. Henson!!!!!

 

 


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Categories : Dating, Feelings

I’m still alive…

26 02 2014

So its been 5 months since I’ve posted anything here.  Not going to beat myself up over it, I’ve been kinda busy.  Don’t worry, I’ll be back.  I have written posts, just never published them….

I’m going to set a goal – I’m going to try to publish an article at least once a week.  Even if it is something like a youtube video or interesting image on facebook, it still counts 🙂

So what I have had going on…

  • Our kickball team had an UNDEFEATED Season but lost the championship in the playoffs.  Oh well, there is always next year.
  • I took a month off of Facebook (November) and it had its benefits.  I didn’t feel so down about myself.  I didn’t feel like I “had” to be leading an exciting fun filled life 24×7.  I may eventually leave FB, but with Burn season coming up – its a necessity.
  • I’ve started playing pool on an APA League and its been a real learning experience.  I’m still really new, so my skill level is that of a duck wearing glasses – but I’m getting better!
  • I’m still learning about me.  I’m not rushing to find another romantic partner.  In fact, I keep talking myself OUT of looking. I guess after being in a relationship for 15 years, just picking up and moving into another one isn’t as easy as one would think.  Part of me craves it, the other part of me likes my freedom.  I’ve been playing the “Sign up for OkCupid / Deactivate the account” game for the last 3 months, which just illustrates how I feel on the whole topic.

Well, thats just a taste of what has been going on.  Stay tuned 🙂


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Categories : Feelings, Happy

Good Hustle!

8 10 2013

Schools have a way of torturing their non-athletic, clumsy, geeky students.  Its called “Gym” and for someone who is non-athletic, clumsy and geeky it was the longest part of my day.   I didn’t particularly care for gym and would come up with any and all excuses to get out of participating.  As I look at my barely used gym membership, I realize that the habit of excuse making has stuck with me since my youth…

I don’t know very much about sports.  What I know about football, I learned at Superbowl Parties.  My in depth knowledge of baseball comes from playing Nintendo Baseball and watching “Major League”.  Thank goodness for “Teenwolf” or I wouldn’t know a thing about Basketball…

With qualifications like these, obviously I would want to coach my department’s co-ed kickball team.  Just hand me a whistle and a clipboard and point me to the field!

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Sure enough, I (along with a co-worker) formed my department’s co-ed kickball team and it has been non-stop fun ever since!  Had I known team sports were this much fun, I may have played some in school!

I was kinda nervous at first.  The first challenge I ran into was finding a place for the team to practice.  After searching high and low, we finally settled on the little park across from the office.  The next challenge was figuring out how to actually practice for kickball.  How does one run “drills”?   More Importantly, “How do I look like I know what I am doing?? At least I have a whistle and clipboard”

I tried to apply what I learned from all the great coaches that saw in movies.  I re-watched “Dodgeball” and “A League of Their Own”.  I had to remind myself that we were playing kickball, so throwing wrenches at my players got removed from the skills and drills list (maybe next year).  I applied the coach wisdom I obtained with phrases like “good hustle” and “call it if it comes to you”.  Surprisingly, I feel like a coach!!!

Our first game was last Thursday night.  It was great to see the whole team in action.  We call ourselves the Ballbarianz and we decided to apply some warpaint for the occasion.  By going with the whole “Braveheart” theme, I also wore my kilt (it felt weird because I was told I had to wear underwear). The ref explained the rules (thank goodness) and I learned more about scoring.  We won 7 – 0 and I’m proud they kicked serious ass!

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I’m already looking forward to the next game!!!!  I would have never thought that I would have had this much fun.  Competitive sports always seemed silly to me, but I’m hooked!!  I don’t see myself joining a lacrosse team or signing up for rugby anytime soon . Kickball is fast paced enough for me, for now 🙂


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Categories : Day-2-Day, Uncategorized

2 for 1 Deal on Happy Posts…

8 10 2013

After my last post “Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)” I decided to re-read the rest of my posts to see how I have been progressing after the “Big D”.

I didn’t just read the posts I have posted, but also the ones I had in my Drafts folder, and I came to a conclusion.  I need to seriously get happier.

I’ve known this for awhile, but going through and reading my past thoughts basically put the nail in the coffin of negativity.  I’m not moving forward with my life if I am still stuck in the mud of my past.

So lets assess what I have going for me:

  • I’m relatively healthy – (36 nonsmoker)
  • I’m single (and ready to mingle!)
  • I live in a fantastic city – (Charlotte, NC)
  • I have great people in my life!!  Some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for!!!
  • I “feel” happier and ready to move forward

It is so easy for me to get lost in the “poor me” posts!  Where is the challenge?  How does one progress at anything if they aren’t faced with challenges?  I don’t always take the easy way out!

So here is the deal!  For every negative, mopey, bitchy post I write – I am going to force myself to write 2 upbeat, positive posts.

Starting Now!!

 


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Categories : Day-2-Day, Happy

Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)

7 10 2013

My church is a dimly lit bar

My pastor is the KJ

My Congregation are other fine bar patrons 

My sacrament is a Double Whiskey Sour

My sermon – “Fat Bottomed Girls”

 

Sometimes, people need something to hold on to during the hardest times in their lives.  Some take up the bottle, some run to church – I choose to sing.

I’m not the greatest singer by far.  I’m hardly in the running for a Grammy or American Idol.

But for 4 minutes and 16 seconds, I’m a rock star.  The music starts up and I testify to the world.  Tonight, its about my love for “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Oh you gonna take me home tonight
Oh down beside that red fire light
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round

The congregation responds by singing along.  They know this sermon and respond by witnessing with me, loudly and drunkenly.  I don’t want a beastly choir of angels, give me this crowd anytime.

Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me

The bell rings behind the bar and more patrons join in.  Screams of “Toohey!” come from the back of the bar – which is weird because I just watched my usual bar crew leave.  Its a co-worker who stopped in for a drink.

I’ve been singing with my band
Across the water, across the land
I’ve seen every blue eyed floozy on the way (hey)
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them naughty ladies every time

More people join in with the chorus..

Hey, listen here
Now I got mortgages and homes
And I got stiffness in the bones
Ain’t no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh, but I still get my pleasure
Still get my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you done made a big man of me (now get this)

I falter with the last half of this verse (partially because of my sacrament of Double Whiskey Sours, partially because I need more practice). Luckily, the KJ is the best in town and he knows to back me up and get me back on track.  He truly is a master at his craft…

Ooh, yeah, oh, yeah, them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls, yeah, yeah, yeah,
All right
Ride ’em cowboy
Fat bottomed girls
Yes, yes, right.

I finish to applause and walk back to my booth and order another drink.  I chastise myself a little for the flubbing of words.  Meh, I’m too hard on myself – all it takes is more practice.

Perhaps I’m a performer at heart, I don’t know.  I always feel alive and refreshed after doing a song at Karaoke.  I wonder if this is what people look for when they go on a spiritual quest….  I don’t really know, but it sure feels great.


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Categories : Friends, Spirituality, Unsober

The “Bitter” Battle…

1 10 2013

Every time I hear someone is thinking about getting married, or someone says they are about to “tie the knot” I unintentionally cringe.  I don’t even realize I do it!!!  Its instinctive, like smelling rotting broccoli or watching reality TV.

“Its ok Toohey, you’re just bitter” a friend told me after we were discussing yet another friend’s upcoming nuptials.  She is right, I am bitter.  I think marriage is significantly bad idea for ANYBODY!  Why would anyone want to give up their freedom and live under the tyrannical rule of an oppressive dictator?  Why would anyone want to invest all their time, love and money into making one person happy – only to have that person stab you in the back, treat you like shit, and make you want to end it all?  Why would anyone want to invite that PAIN into their life?  Why would…..

****WAIT A MINUTE!!!****

See what I’m doing?  I’m taking someone’s upcoming marriage and automatically projecting my failed marriage onto it.  They didn’t marry a midget with the personality of Kim Jong-il and an inclination to fuck married Auto-Zone employees for discounted  auto parts.  Maybe their marriage will be different?

I just have to learn to catch myself when the topic of marriage comes up.  Not all marriages are an exercise in doom and gloom.  Some are prosperous.  One of my best friends has been married for 20 plus years and they still look at each other with love and devotion .  They have two great kids and still go to Sci-fi Conventions.  This is a good solid marriage!

My divorce changed me.  It removed the veil of naivety and illustrated to me a simple fact, I married someone undeserving of my love.  I wasted 15 years.  It wasn’t all bad, but looking back, it wasn’t all good either.  I see how I was manipulated and lied too.  I see how I invested everything only to loose everything.

“I” is the key word.

Much like a dog that was abused by its previous owner, even the hint of wedding bells is enough to make me shutter.

I know this about myself, and that gives me the power to change it.  When I hear those bells, I don’t need to have the Pavlovian response of bitter words and feelings.

Maybe I just need to condition myself by rewarding myself with chocolate.  Everytime the topic of marriage comes up, I will give myself some credit.  I was married to Kim Jong-il for 15 years and survived to tell the tale!!!  That warrants a celebration!!!!!!


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Categories : Uncategorized

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