My church is a dimly lit bar

My pastor is the KJ

My Congregation are other fine bar patrons 

My sacrament is a Double Whiskey Sour

My sermon – “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Sometimes, people need something to hold on to during the hardest times in their lives.  Some take up the bottle, some run to church – I choose to sing.

I’m not the greatest singer by far.  I’m hardly in the running for a Grammy or American Idol.

But for 4 minutes and 16 seconds, I’m a rock star.  The music starts up and I testify to the world.  Tonight, its about my love for “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Oh you gonna take me home tonight
Oh down beside that red fire light
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round

The congregation responds by singing along.  They know this sermon and respond by witnessing with me, loudly and drunkenly.  I don’t want a beastly choir of angels, give me this crowd anytime.

Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me

The bell rings behind the bar and more patrons join in.  Screams of “Toohey!” come from the back of the bar – which is weird because I just watched my usual bar crew leave.  Its a co-worker who stopped in for a drink.

I’ve been singing with my band
Across the water, across the land
I’ve seen every blue eyed floozy on the way (hey)
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them naughty ladies every time

More people join in with the chorus..

Hey, listen here
Now I got mortgages and homes
And I got stiffness in the bones
Ain’t no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh, but I still get my pleasure
Still get my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you done made a big man of me (now get this)

I falter with the last half of this verse (partially because of my sacrament of Double Whiskey Sours, partially because I need more practice). Luckily, the KJ is the best in town and he knows to back me up and get me back on track.  He truly is a master at his craft…

Ooh, yeah, oh, yeah, them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls, yeah, yeah, yeah,
All right
Ride ’em cowboy
Fat bottomed girls
Yes, yes, right.

I finish to applause and walk back to my booth and order another drink.  I chastise myself a little for the flubbing of words.  Meh, I’m too hard on myself – all it takes is more practice.

Perhaps I’m a performer at heart, I don’t know.  I always feel alive and refreshed after doing a song at Karaoke.  I wonder if this is what people look for when they go on a spiritual quest….  I don’t really know, but it sure feels great.