Every time I hear someone is thinking about getting married, or someone says they are about to “tie the knot” I unintentionally cringe.  I don’t even realize I do it!!!  Its instinctive, like smelling rotting broccoli or watching reality TV.

“Its ok Toohey, you’re just bitter” a friend told me after we were discussing yet another friend’s upcoming nuptials.  She is right, I am bitter.  I think marriage is significantly bad idea for ANYBODY!  Why would anyone want to give up their freedom and live under the tyrannical rule of an oppressive dictator?  Why would anyone want to invest all their time, love and money into making one person happy – only to have that person stab you in the back, treat you like shit, and make you want to end it all?  Why would anyone want to invite that PAIN into their life?  Why would…..

****WAIT A MINUTE!!!****

See what I’m doing?  I’m taking someone’s upcoming marriage and automatically projecting my failed marriage onto it.  They didn’t marry a midget with the personality of Kim Jong-il and an inclination to fuck married Auto-Zone employees for discounted  auto parts.  Maybe their marriage will be different?

I just have to learn to catch myself when the topic of marriage comes up.  Not all marriages are an exercise in doom and gloom.  Some are prosperous.  One of my best friends has been married for 20 plus years and they still look at each other with love and devotion .  They have two great kids and still go to Sci-fi Conventions.  This is a good solid marriage!

My divorce changed me.  It removed the veil of naivety and illustrated to me a simple fact, I married someone undeserving of my love.  I wasted 15 years.  It wasn’t all bad, but looking back, it wasn’t all good either.  I see how I was manipulated and lied too.  I see how I invested everything only to loose everything.

“I” is the key word.

Much like a dog that was abused by its previous owner, even the hint of wedding bells is enough to make me shutter.

I know this about myself, and that gives me the power to change it.  When I hear those bells, I don’t need to have the Pavlovian response of bitter words and feelings.

Maybe I just need to condition myself by rewarding myself with chocolate.  Everytime the topic of marriage comes up, I will give myself some credit.  I was married to Kim Jong-il for 15 years and survived to tell the tale!!!  That warrants a celebration!!!!!!