I’m going to admit to you my favorite reader.  I have a problem.  Acknowledging the problem is normally the first step in solving the problem.  So here goes.  I’m a terrible blogger.

I know, some of you may think I have been a little too hard on myself – but its true.  I’ve neglected “Toohey Reloaded” for far too long.  Its been well over a year since my last update.  I’ve been busy.  I’ve been having fun.  Unfortunately, those are lame excuses and I beg your forgiveness.

So what have I been up too you may ask?  Well, life.  I’ve been busy.  Here are just a few things that are off the top of my head (in no particular order).

I met Bernie Sanders at a Rally in South Carolina!!

#feelthebern

Had a Great Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Me!!! (Thanks Michelle!!)

Visited the West Coast (San Francisco!!)

Liza is ready to toss me out of the Coit Tower

Awesome friends, awesome bar, one of my favorite memories of San Fransisco

Dipping my toes in the Pacific Ocean…

Don’t worry, I got this…

Caught Weird Al’s Encore in Albany

Made it from Claryville to Albany in an hour and a half! Just in time to catch his Encore!

Spent Some time at the Johnny Cash Museum in Nashville

Spent time in the Johnny Cash Museum while in Nashville for the Taste of Tennessee Wine Festival

Went on an EPIC Zombie Crawl

Probably one of my favorite events of 2014. This Bar Crawl was so much fun we added Lucky Lou’s to it. We were pretty blitzed when we showed up…

How many drinks have I had B?

We survived the night!!! But who wrote on my chest??

I may have added some features to my body…

Can’t go wrong with Hunter!

Branded with Burning Man right above my heart!

Dont forget spending time with friends..

Another relaxing day by Katie’s Pool

Morgan and Try (one of our adventures)

PDF Fall 2015 – Some of Camp Sexy and Cracker Jack’s Booty Camp

Dove and Pocket Laura

PDF Fall 2015 – Justice League… erg… Legion of Doom… erg… these guys..

PDF Fall 2015 – Backfield Crew (parkers and greeters getting along)

PDF Fall 2015 – Mnah Mnah… doo doo doo doo doo…

PDF Fall 2015 – Jenny and Deb

Lunch with Hana (Missed you at PDF!!!)

PDF Spring 2015 – Hotdog!!

Karnak and Jenny molesting a statue of Eleanor Roosevelt on the Ronald Reagan Washington DC tour…

Portal 2015 – Claire!!!

Spring PDF 2015 – Parking Crew Assemble!!

So, yeah.  I’ve been having fun.  My life is a blast and I have wonderful people in it.  For a long time I didn’t think I could be this happy and I’m really glad to have been proven wrong. 🙂

So until next time!! Have a blast!!

My upcoming sinus surgery got me thinking about my mortality and what I should be doing with my life.  I “did” the traditional American thing.  The “go to college, get a job, marry girl” mantra that our parents and teachers instill in us growing up.  Sadly, the girl in the equation never really turned out to be anything worth having children with.  Now, that may be a little harsh – but deep down, I think the reason I didn’t want children was because I knew exactly what she was.  She saw children as a meal ticket.  A “get out of divorce and have financial stability” gift card.  Her eyes would always light up when she would talk about her aunt who was raking her ex-husband over the coals.  Apparently, bells and alarms were going off in my sub-conscious and my body was on full born “DO NOT BREED” alert. 

Now that chapter is closed and I’m 15 years older and wiser.  Well, at the very least 15 years older.  I still have plenty of stupid shit to do.  I want to hike the Appalachian Trail, have breakfast at Base Camp at the foot of Mount Everest, win the “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest” in Coney Island, etc.  I have a ton of shit to do…

And what will it mean?  Sure, I’ll have a blast doing it.  My adventures will be cool stories to tell.  But, who am I going to tell them too?  To whom will I pass on the torch?  How am I not going to be forgotten when I’m gone?

They say that children force men to “grow up”.  I’ve already had my grow up moments.  Try going through a divorce and institutionalizing yourself – it makes you grow up real quick.  Part of growing up makes you acknowledge your own mortality.  I’m not as young as I used to be (hitting 37 has also brought a lot of this up). 

Maybe having kids are an adventure all on their own.  You get to dress them in funny clothes, they say the most outrageous things and you get to pass on knowledge that you have acquired (whether they want to listen or not).

I’ve had the title of this post running through my head the last couple months and it illustrates the need I have for an heir.  Someone to pass the Toohey name (and awesomeness) on too…

I want a kid (and besides, isn’t “Hunter Stockton Toohey” a badass name anyway?!!?!)

Today (6/03/14) is the last day I will be a 36 year old man.  I felt it appropriate to reflect on how “Toohey 36” was in general and how “Toohey 37” will be awesome.  Here are just some of the things I have figured out..

• NC DMV does not fuck around when it comes to fucking things up
• Pickles are great for dehydration (and hangovers)
• Fighting about android vs iPhone is silly
• Embrace the people that come into your life, even if it is only for 2 weekends out of the year and keep in touch
• Jameson and McDonald’s Big Macs do not go together
• Embrace my friends and keep them close
• Life isn’t guaranteed, and neither is love
• Karaoke soothes the savage beast
• Karaoke plus alchohol generally makes a lot of noise and eventually pisses the savage beast off to the point of him leaving and finding another bar
• Sunscreen before alcohol = better sunscreen coverage
• Sunscreen after alcohol = sunburns in weird places
• Clown noses on boobs are a beautiful thing
• Spending time with a great friend convincing people to put clown noses on boobs = genius in the making
• It is ok to hurt, but striking out at someone because they hurt you isn’t very cool
• Charlie likes cat food way too much
• The match isn’t over until the 8 ball drops (or you scratch on the 8)
• I may not win many pool matches, but I’m getting better every game
• Avoid the “Poisoned Pill”
• Laughing beats crying every time – both are important, but this is critical when trying on pants or swimwear
• Laugh off the pain, make pain your bitch
• Judgements = just don’t do them.  People will surprise you if you give them a chance
• I saved my sister’s life by telling her to use the flashlight app on her phone – yeah, I’m a hero
• Fuck negativity, you have a limited amount of hours on the planet and you need to make them count
• My family is amazing, and I need to tell them that more
• I’m proud of my mom, she is one hell of a woman!
• My coworkers rock, and put up with a lot of my shit

I’m still here, still breathing and living

Every time I hear someone is thinking about getting married, or someone says they are about to “tie the knot” I unintentionally cringe.  I don’t even realize I do it!!!  Its instinctive, like smelling rotting broccoli or watching reality TV.

“Its ok Toohey, you’re just bitter” a friend told me after we were discussing yet another friend’s upcoming nuptials.  She is right, I am bitter.  I think marriage is significantly bad idea for ANYBODY!  Why would anyone want to give up their freedom and live under the tyrannical rule of an oppressive dictator?  Why would anyone want to invest all their time, love and money into making one person happy – only to have that person stab you in the back, treat you like shit, and make you want to end it all?  Why would anyone want to invite that PAIN into their life?  Why would…..

****WAIT A MINUTE!!!****

See what I’m doing?  I’m taking someone’s upcoming marriage and automatically projecting my failed marriage onto it.  They didn’t marry a midget with the personality of Kim Jong-il and an inclination to fuck married Auto-Zone employees for discounted  auto parts.  Maybe their marriage will be different?

I just have to learn to catch myself when the topic of marriage comes up.  Not all marriages are an exercise in doom and gloom.  Some are prosperous.  One of my best friends has been married for 20 plus years and they still look at each other with love and devotion .  They have two great kids and still go to Sci-fi Conventions.  This is a good solid marriage!

My divorce changed me.  It removed the veil of naivety and illustrated to me a simple fact, I married someone undeserving of my love.  I wasted 15 years.  It wasn’t all bad, but looking back, it wasn’t all good either.  I see how I was manipulated and lied too.  I see how I invested everything only to loose everything.

“I” is the key word.

Much like a dog that was abused by its previous owner, even the hint of wedding bells is enough to make me shutter.

I know this about myself, and that gives me the power to change it.  When I hear those bells, I don’t need to have the Pavlovian response of bitter words and feelings.

Maybe I just need to condition myself by rewarding myself with chocolate.  Everytime the topic of marriage comes up, I will give myself some credit.  I was married to Kim Jong-il for 15 years and survived to tell the tale!!!  That warrants a celebration!!!!!!

I’ve been a little absent for the last month.  Since quitting the Effexor, I have found myself battling the depression “demon” on a daily basis.   Some days are easy, others are brutal.  Sometimes I just want to give in and let the beast win.  Allow my depression consume me and finally drag me under to a level where I won’t be able return.

FUCK THAT SHIT

I still have a lot of living left in me, why am I going to give up that easy?  Parts of me are broken, but the Irish blood won’t give up.  Parts of me are fucked, but I’m fucked up enough to keep going!

I’m still trying to figure out who I am…

They wanted me to check out.  They wanted me to pull the trigger and end it all – and I won’t give them the satisfaction.  I don’t have enough scars to check out.  I’m just getting warmed up.

I’m rebuilding me…

It has been 11 days since quitting Effexor XR and I have had a constant flow of emotions. The main one was rage.  Everything would make me upset.  I think I had so much rage bottled up after the years of constant mental and emotional abuse that once I stopped the Effexor, the cork was out of the bottle.

The rage has pretty much subsided, and now I find that I can cry easier.  Yes, I can feel sadness without getting into a sever depression thanks to some of the techniques I have learned through DBT.

When you are on anti-depressants, everything becomes really “numb”.  Depression, feels like your in a fog.  When you take anti-depressants you see the fog, you don’t really give a fuck about it.  

I’m ok with being sad, as long as its temporary.  I watched Star Trek – Wrath of Kahn a few days ago and cryed at the end (where Spock dies and Kirk gives the Eulogy).  Even typing this, I started to get a little teary..  But that is Okay!!  I’m not laying in bed 24 hours a day sobbing uncontrollably because of it…

I’m sad about my divorce.  Really, I am.  I miss the way that my ex-wife and I would laugh at silly things.  I used to press the tip of my nose and stick my tongue out and she would laugh.  I would try to cross my eyes (I can’t seem to do it) she would laugh.  I do miss those times.  We had genuine love once, but I guess like every other emotion that fades over time.  Don’t get me wrong!!!  I am much happier without my ex-wife!!!  She was bad for me, and bad to me (emotionally and mentally abusive).  I wonder if I wasn’t on the meds, if she would have been easier to control and manipulate me as much as she did.  Maybe, maybe not – but I’m not dwelling on it.  My life is better without her and the Effexor in it…

I’m looking to the future and its looking pretty good 🙂

Since Monday (6/24/13) I have been completely off of Effexor.  Its been rough, but I’m not letting the withdrawl get to me.  I”ve been a slave to it long enough – so fuck Effexor.

I AM QUITTING YOU!!!

Fuck You Effexor

Not wanting to kill yourself does not equate to living.  

On Effexor, I was simply existing.  I wasn’t alive, just breathing.

For all my life, I have been a nose whistler.  I’ve been so desensitized to it that when someone brings it to my attention, I am normally shocked.   Then I will hear absolutely nothing but the dreaded whistle for days.  This time I did something about it.  I saw my Doctor.  I have wanted to get some nasal surgery done for a long time, but when you are married it seems that I was making medical decisions by committee.  So now that I was able to make my own decisions, and I wanted to get things fixed.

I figured I had my mental issues under control, so now it is time to focus on my body.  The first thing I needed to do was figure out exactly where my energy was going.  I was getting tired very easily.  Breathing was draining me of my energy.  My body was working so hard to get oxygen that it was exhausting me.  Before I could loose weight and exercise, I need to start at the basics.

Here is the inside of your typical skull…

Here is mine…

• The red illustrates a large polyp that has actually shifted my septum to the right.
• The blue illustrates my septum
• The green illustrates another polyp that has formed.

All together, the whole mess is so compacted that I get very little airflow.  The plan is to go in, remove the polyps, straighten the septum and remove my tonsils and adenoids.  I’m very excited!!  To think that I will have energy again!!  Surgery is scheduled for July 11th.  It will be an overnight procedure, so I will be staying in the hospital.

After this surgery, I will be starting with a trainer to help me get in shape.  Life is going so well!!!!