Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)

7 10 2013

My church is a dimly lit bar

My pastor is the KJ

My Congregation are other fine bar patrons 

My sacrament is a Double Whiskey Sour

My sermon – “Fat Bottomed Girls”


Sometimes, people need something to hold on to during the hardest times in their lives.  Some take up the bottle, some run to church – I choose to sing.

I’m not the greatest singer by far.  I’m hardly in the running for a Grammy or American Idol.

But for 4 minutes and 16 seconds, I’m a rock star.  The music starts up and I testify to the world.  Tonight, its about my love for “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Oh you gonna take me home tonight
Oh down beside that red fire light
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round

The congregation responds by singing along.  They know this sermon and respond by witnessing with me, loudly and drunkenly.  I don’t want a beastly choir of angels, give me this crowd anytime.

Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me

The bell rings behind the bar and more patrons join in.  Screams of “Toohey!” come from the back of the bar – which is weird because I just watched my usual bar crew leave.  Its a co-worker who stopped in for a drink.

I’ve been singing with my band
Across the water, across the land
I’ve seen every blue eyed floozy on the way (hey)
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them naughty ladies every time

More people join in with the chorus..

Hey, listen here
Now I got mortgages and homes
And I got stiffness in the bones
Ain’t no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh, but I still get my pleasure
Still get my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you done made a big man of me (now get this)

I falter with the last half of this verse (partially because of my sacrament of Double Whiskey Sours, partially because I need more practice). Luckily, the KJ is the best in town and he knows to back me up and get me back on track.  He truly is a master at his craft…

Ooh, yeah, oh, yeah, them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls, yeah, yeah, yeah,
All right
Ride ’em cowboy
Fat bottomed girls
Yes, yes, right.

I finish to applause and walk back to my booth and order another drink.  I chastise myself a little for the flubbing of words.  Meh, I’m too hard on myself – all it takes is more practice.

Perhaps I’m a performer at heart, I don’t know.  I always feel alive and refreshed after doing a song at Karaoke.  I wonder if this is what people look for when they go on a spiritual quest….  I don’t really know, but it sure feels great.

Carnival of “Feelings” (Rage)

2 07 2013

It has been a week since I have taken my last dosage of Effexor Rx. To say my life has been great wouldn’t be completely accurate. In fact, I feel as though the emotional centers of my brain have opened the flood gates and allowed every repressed feeling spew forth like some toxic sludge. Here are just some of the things that have been circling my emotional drain..


Anger / Rage / Hate –

My exwife is a lying, cheating, pulsating pusfilled boil of a human being. I wasted 15 years of my life with that shrill of a woman, disgusting dead brown beaver tooth and all. I hate her so much!! I hope any spawn she has is aborted inorder to keep her twisted DNA out of the Gene pool… As long as I’m in a spiteful mood – I wonder if the Married Autozone Employee’s (father of a one year old no less) wife ever found out?

The clique known as CAA – These people are so deluded with their own “moral superiority” that they fail to see that they are just as bad as the Christians they rail against. I’m not ranting against all of CAA, just a clique of sexually transmitted dieseases that I considered close friends (even when they were stabbing me in the back). People who had no qualms with my ex fucking a married guy behind his wife’s back… so much for moral superiority. But, what can I expect from a clique who’s most prominant/vocal member claims to be a socialist – yet takes his kid to private school. Way to stand for your convictions douchebag!!

The NC DMV – do I really have to say anything else..

Fuck it, I’m just angry.. i’m not even in the mood to format this post…

Refections of the last 36 years..

4 06 2013

Today I turn 36. Another year stronger and more appreciative of the awe inspiring happenings of life and those around me. I’ve learned some lessons along my path, and I am writing them down with the hopes that you, my dear reader, enjoy and consider what I have picked up along the way.

  • When life knocks you down, get back up and tell life it hits like a bitch..
  • Mr. Yuck means poison
  • Starbucks every morning is crazy,
    there a perfectly good coffee machine at work.
  • Friends will empathize when you cry, true friends allow you to cry on their shoulder
  • Kidney Beans taste great in anything
  • Dogs love you their entire lives – unconditionally.
  • Standing up for yourself is good, standing up for those who cant stand up for themselves is greater
  • Justice is blind, but still has pockets
  • Try to eliminate hate from your life. Reserve it for murderers, rapists, divorce attorneys and ex-spouses
  • Be silly – its fun!!
  • Karaoke will cure stage fright
  • Respect shouldn’t be blindly given, only earned
  • Celebrate your Birthday, you only have a limited number
  • Fencing is fun
  • Acting!!!!
  • Mental patients are awesome people!
  • Mental patients singing christian karaoke – not so awesome
  • Failing at something is ok
  • Not all children are cute
  • If something has 5 screws come out, chances are those 5 screws need to go back in
  • Always rename files, never delete
  • Don’t confuse lust for love
  • Being alone doesnt mean you’re lonely
  • You aren’t your fucking khakis!
  • Don’t Gargle with Rubbing Alcohol
  • Masturbation is healthy and fun!
  • Enjoy you’re mental breakdown
  • Rebel against authority (even if it as insignificant as wearing completely different socks at work)
  • Reconnect with the “black sheep” of your family – they have the best stories
  • Watching the reactions to fireworks on a 9 year olds face is magical
  • Catch lightning bugs, but always let them go
  • Always take a whistle hiking
  • Radical Honesty works – that way you don’t waste you’re time trying to remember the lies you told.
  • The latest and greatest gadget will be next years landfill.

Hope you learned something!!!

The importance of friends (especially after divorce)

27 03 2013

When it comes to divorce, you are going to loose people in your life. In some cases, your married friends may start distancing themselves. Which is understandable, since your divorce will potentially expose weaknesses in their relationships. Some may simply choose your ex over you and some may just be assholes.
What matters is the friends that stick with you after the dust settles. I’m lucky, I have found some people who are willing to give me their shoulder when I need it, their ear when they I need someone to listen and strength when I’m weak.
This isn’t some drunken mushy post (though the whiskey has been flowing) but it really comes from the heart.
When you get divorced, your life gets turned upside down. You don’t know which direction is up. But, its those people that are there for you that make it easier. When the chips are down, and you feel like everything sucks – you can always get a laugh, a hug or some straight forward advice you can count on your friends to lift you up.

So if you’re going though a divorce, and times are getting unbearable, turn to your friends. You will have ones that shrug you off (they are the ones you should ditch) and then the ones who will joke, cry and care for you.
The secret, is that all the friends that aren’t there take up space on your “friend plate”. The ones that don’t care just take up valuable space on that friend plate. Its like going to a buffet and loading up your plate with the chocolate pudding that tastes great in the beginning but gives you the runs 2 hours after. Better to load up your plate with some solid food and be fulfilled..