Gratitude on the last day I’m 38…

3 06 2016

060b6085bdf63d696128861f3d706530

Today is the last day I am 38 years old.  People say time flies when you are having fun so when I realized it was the week of my birthday, I wanted to reflect on the journey I’ve had since the divorce.  I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I use the breakup as a point of measurement.  I was broken, alone and angry.  I was pissed off at the world and everything in it.  I hated myself for being a failure.  I hated that love made me so vulnerable, and so I hated the idea of love as well.  I thought I knew it all, but in reality, I knew nothing.

That is where this blog came into play.  I needed to reboot myself, reload the Toohey Operating System and move on.  I used this blog as a sounding board to get my feelings out.  I would write posts, read them over and not post them.  It was me getting my emotional house in order.  It has taken me 4 years, and I finally feel at peace.  I realize now that nothing is forever, and that the only constant in the universe is change.

The love I shared with my exwife is gone, and that is a sad thing for me.  I realize we are different people now so our love always kind of had an expiration date on it.  I wasn’t happy being married.  She wasn’t happy being married.  Why stay married at that point?  I see that now.  Our parting was toxic, and I regret that.  I think on some level we could have remained civil, but what is in the past is in the past.  I thank her for leaving and allowing me to hit rock bottom.

The people who stayed by my side through this whole ordeal.  I know I wasn’t the greatest friend.  I know I was angry, pissed off and hardly fun to be around.  I thank you so much for staying.

All the new people who have come into my life since then.  Thank you so much for understanding.

All my friends (burners, freethinkers, karaoke crew) – Thank you so much for the laughs, the love, the advice and being here for me.  Without you guys, I wouldn’t be here.

I’ve made a decision regarding my tooheyreloaded blog.  I’m retiring it.  I’ll still keep the content up, but I won’t use it as my primary outlet anymore.  I’ve started my new blog http://www.2theburn.com and I should have some content over there soon.  I think tooheyreloaded was critical during a point in my life, but I’m past that point now.

Thank you all for joining me on this wild ride.  Love you!

 

 

 

 


Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : Feelings, Thankful

“Rowlf has it right” or “Relationship advice from a piano playing canine..”

27 03 2014

Relationship advice from the muppets…

I went and saw the latest Muppet movie (“Muppets: Most Wanted” which was hysterical, check your local listings for showtimes) which inevitably lead me back to listening to the Original Muppet Movie soundtrack and I had a flashback to my childhood.  My favorite song from the movie was one called “I Hope That Somthin’ Better Comes Along” in which a piano playing Rowlf sings with a heartbroken Kermit about the most puzzling, confusing topic on the face of the planet – women.

It starts out:

(Spoken)

Rowlf:Listen, when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every fallen star!
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf: Yeah, typical. That’s why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf: You bet! (starts the song’s intro) I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf: “Stay away from women.” That’s my motto.
Kermit: But I can’t.
Rowlf: Neither can I. That’s my trouble…

Thats my struggle.  I want to live “nice and simple” but I tend to get wrapped up in thoughts of women, relationships and dating.  Rowlf puts it out there – “Stay away from women” – but we can’t.  It’s impossible, because:

(Singing)
Rowlf:
You can’t live with ’em, you can’t live without ’em.
There’s somethin’ irresistabullish about ’em.
We grin and bear it ’cause the nights are long.
I hope that somethin’ better comes along.

And sometimes, somethin’ better does come along.  Burn Season, Kickball, Pool League, I’m joining softball in the Spring – I have done more during my “Nice and Simple” times than I ever did while I was in a relationship.  The “Somethin’ Betters” keep us focused, for a short period of time – but when it comes to women, there really is something irresistabullish about them.

And the cycle happens all over again.  And as Kermit Sings:

Kermit:
It’s no good complainin’ and pointless to holler.

This clicked with me.   Its pointless to bitch and moan about dating, because its all cyclic, highs and lows, ebbs and flows.

I’m going to have “Somethin Betters” and “Grin and Bear its” and it took a piano playing canine and a heart broken frog to remind this 36 year old that.

Thanks to Jim Henson for bringing the magic of the Muppets to me – you truely are missed Mr. Henson!!!!!

 

 


Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : Dating, Feelings

I’m still alive…

26 02 2014

So its been 5 months since I’ve posted anything here.  Not going to beat myself up over it, I’ve been kinda busy.  Don’t worry, I’ll be back.  I have written posts, just never published them….

I’m going to set a goal – I’m going to try to publish an article at least once a week.  Even if it is something like a youtube video or interesting image on facebook, it still counts 🙂

So what I have had going on…

  • Our kickball team had an UNDEFEATED Season but lost the championship in the playoffs.  Oh well, there is always next year.
  • I took a month off of Facebook (November) and it had its benefits.  I didn’t feel so down about myself.  I didn’t feel like I “had” to be leading an exciting fun filled life 24×7.  I may eventually leave FB, but with Burn season coming up – its a necessity.
  • I’ve started playing pool on an APA League and its been a real learning experience.  I’m still really new, so my skill level is that of a duck wearing glasses – but I’m getting better!
  • I’m still learning about me.  I’m not rushing to find another romantic partner.  In fact, I keep talking myself OUT of looking. I guess after being in a relationship for 15 years, just picking up and moving into another one isn’t as easy as one would think.  Part of me craves it, the other part of me likes my freedom.  I’ve been playing the “Sign up for OkCupid / Deactivate the account” game for the last 3 months, which just illustrates how I feel on the whole topic.

Well, thats just a taste of what has been going on.  Stay tuned 🙂


Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : Feelings, Happy

2 for 1 Deal on Happy Posts…

8 10 2013

After my last post “Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)” I decided to re-read the rest of my posts to see how I have been progressing after the “Big D”.

I didn’t just read the posts I have posted, but also the ones I had in my Drafts folder, and I came to a conclusion.  I need to seriously get happier.

I’ve known this for awhile, but going through and reading my past thoughts basically put the nail in the coffin of negativity.  I’m not moving forward with my life if I am still stuck in the mud of my past.

So lets assess what I have going for me:

  • I’m relatively healthy – (36 nonsmoker)
  • I’m single (and ready to mingle!)
  • I live in a fantastic city – (Charlotte, NC)
  • I have great people in my life!!  Some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for!!!
  • I “feel” happier and ready to move forward

It is so easy for me to get lost in the “poor me” posts!  Where is the challenge?  How does one progress at anything if they aren’t faced with challenges?  I don’t always take the easy way out!

So here is the deal!  For every negative, mopey, bitchy post I write – I am going to force myself to write 2 upbeat, positive posts.

Starting Now!!

 


Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : Day-2-Day, Happy

Carnival of “Feelings” (Rage)

2 07 2013

It has been a week since I have taken my last dosage of Effexor Rx. To say my life has been great wouldn’t be completely accurate. In fact, I feel as though the emotional centers of my brain have opened the flood gates and allowed every repressed feeling spew forth like some toxic sludge. Here are just some of the things that have been circling my emotional drain..

**WARNING – THESE ARE FEELINGS AND THEY MAY BE OFFENSIVE**

Anger / Rage / Hate –

My exwife is a lying, cheating, pulsating pusfilled boil of a human being. I wasted 15 years of my life with that shrill of a woman, disgusting dead brown beaver tooth and all. I hate her so much!! I hope any spawn she has is aborted inorder to keep her twisted DNA out of the Gene pool… As long as I’m in a spiteful mood – I wonder if the Married Autozone Employee’s (father of a one year old no less) wife ever found out?

The clique known as CAA – These people are so deluded with their own “moral superiority” that they fail to see that they are just as bad as the Christians they rail against. I’m not ranting against all of CAA, just a clique of sexually transmitted dieseases that I considered close friends (even when they were stabbing me in the back). People who had no qualms with my ex fucking a married guy behind his wife’s back… so much for moral superiority. But, what can I expect from a clique who’s most prominant/vocal member claims to be a socialist – yet takes his kid to private school. Way to stand for your convictions douchebag!!

The NC DMV – do I really have to say anything else..

Fuck it, I’m just angry.. i’m not even in the mood to format this post…


Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : Angry, BackstabbingBozos, Divorce, Feelings, Friends

Karaoke soothes the savage beast…

6 06 2013

Some people think its lame, but I love karaoke. The opportunity to go in front of an audience and belt out whatever tune I want makes my life really easy. I may not be any good (I haven’t cleared out the bar or made someone bleed from the ears) but I do love performing. I always have loved performing. When I was young, I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to do theatre, to see my name in lights. For now, I’ll stick with karaoke.

Nothing gives me more of a rush like being in front of a full bar and belting my heart out. For that brief instant, I’m on the top of the world. When life gets tough, I know there will always be karaoke. Its the small wins that make life great. The “2 candy bar drop outta the snack machine when you only pay for one” moments.

People need to be reminded that life is good. With all the war, disease, unemployment going on in the world – we need something to bring us together. Karaoke may be the answer. Maybe we can use it to bring together peacefully. Like any good visionary, I have a plan to do just this.

At the next United Nations meeting, instead of the typical meetings and gavel pounding, we put in a world class karaoke machine. Bring in a couple of kegs and some chicken wings (no pork or beef) and let these world leaders have some fun together.

I have made some of my best friendships during karaoke. Hell, maybe its time to use its mystical musical power for more than mere bar entertainment.


Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : Happy

I’m a lover, not a fighter (yet, love still kicked my ass)

5 06 2013

Everyone has defense mechanisms and mine is humor. For example, I was recently semi-flirting/playfully teasing this girl at a local bar. Her boyfriend (a mullet sporting gentleman) decided he would “mark his territory” by coming over to her and kiss her (4 inches from my face). He didn’t just kiss her, he basically inspected the contents of her stomach with his tongue. I was pretty much grossed out by the ordeal (watching a redneck play tonsil hockey for the purpose of identifying his “woman”, isnt what I would consider quality entertainment) but chuckled. He turned his attention to me, and without missing a beat my defense mechanism kicked in. “I’m not going to kiss you like that” I told him. It obviously confused him, and I walked away having been completely entertained by the whole ordeal.

I’m not a fighter, in-fact, I was only ever in 1 fight in my entire life! I really don’t like violence – I don’t see the point, which is why I find myself in an odd position now.

I’ve always considered myself a lover. The little things of love have always been the things that have made me the happiest. The smell of a lovers hair, the sparkle in their eyes, the touch of their hand on my back when they walk up to me from behind – those things that make me truly happy. I enjoy writing cheesy jokes and poems, just to get the satisfaction of seeing them laugh. It is the cherry on the ice cream sunday of my life.

Which also terrifies me. I’m going to admit to you, my darling reader, I’m kind of terrified to fall in love again. The thought of it makes me a little anxious. I know it isn’t something one schedules (“I have a dentist appt. at 2, and then I’ll fall in love with someone between 3 and 4, then take the kids to soccer practice and be home by 6:30”) but it kind of falls out of the sky and bonks you on the head like the Newtonian Apple.
I think I have been trying to figure out some kind of magic equation that will give me some peace of mind. Something like “length of marriage / number of after marriage hookups + number of rebound relationships x 2 = the appropriate time to fall in love again”. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that Cupid wasn’t a mathematician.
But in reality, isn’t part of the allure of love exploring the possibilities? Maybe that is the light that pierces the darkness that is my anxiety? Much like the lotto, “you have to be in it to win it” and true love is worth more than any lotto ticket.

So I’m going to take off my helmet and see if I get knocked in the head by some free falling fruit. I have two qualities going for me, a big Irish heart and a thick Irish skull 🙂

Love you all!!


Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : Love, Relationships

I’m with me, and we’re OK!

18 02 2013

February 14th.. The day couples enjoy, and singles dread. Where some enjoyed flowers, candy and romantic dinners – while others (myself included) poked holes in the plastic covering our “Lean Cuisine 3 Cheese Casserole” and wondered if our microwaves really had cooking settings other than “high”..

Thats right!! Valentines day!!

But, here is a little secret – this year I spent it in the company of someone who is awesome! Someone who I wake up with every morning and whom I fall asleep with every night.

This person has been with me through rough times and good. Sure, we have had our disagreements (like, when one of us thinks its a good idea to stop drinking, and the other says “one more Fireball shot wont be so bad”) but they are always there with me…

That person is – me (bet ya didn’t see that coming)

I cant tell you how many times I have heard people say things like “I just want someone to love me” or “why cant I find love” – when that person is LITERALLY sitting right there!! Need someone to love you? — LOVE YOURSELF!!! Can’t find love? — LOVE YOURSELF!! I realized something other day, no one else has to love me!!! There isn’t a law stating “everyone shall find love” because that would be insane!!!

Getting through the DMV is rough enough, could you imagine the DTL (Department of True Love)??

Guy:

Yes, I started dating this girl and she sent me a txt stating that she thought we aren’t progressing in our relationship

DTL Agent:

Have you filled out Form TLFB-1247

Guy:

TLFB-1247?

DTL Agent:

Yes the Facebook status to “In A Relationship” permit..

Guy:

No..

DTL Agent:

Ok, fill out this form and you will be allowed to change your Facebook relationship status on a trial basis – that will be 30 dollars cash or check…

*** The 30 dollar reference is directed to North Carolina (start taking debit or credit damnit!!!!)

But I digress..

In all reality, you come into this world with the same person you are going to leave it with – YOU!

I hope everyone finds someone, I really really do!! Who knows, I may never find that person, I may bump into them at the DMV, I could have already met them and we just don’t know we dig each other yet!! Who knows! Its all part of the fun!!! Tomorrow, I may get a flat tire, kicking off a chain of events that put me and the next great love of my life standing in line at a Starbucks while waiting for a tow truck (AAA Roadside Assistance).. Or I may meet that person 50 years from now in a nursing home watching Wheel of Fortune…

Until then, I am just going to love me. Because if you can’t love yourself – how can you expect anyone else to???

Love you all 😉


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Feelings, Happy, Relationships