Good Hustle!

8 10 2013

Schools have a way of torturing their non-athletic, clumsy, geeky students.  Its called “Gym” and for someone who is non-athletic, clumsy and geeky it was the longest part of my day.   I didn’t particularly care for gym and would come up with any and all excuses to get out of participating.  As I look at my barely used gym membership, I realize that the habit of excuse making has stuck with me since my youth…

I don’t know very much about sports.  What I know about football, I learned at Superbowl Parties.  My in depth knowledge of baseball comes from playing Nintendo Baseball and watching “Major League”.  Thank goodness for “Teenwolf” or I wouldn’t know a thing about Basketball…

With qualifications like these, obviously I would want to coach my department’s co-ed kickball team.  Just hand me a whistle and a clipboard and point me to the field!


Sure enough, I (along with a co-worker) formed my department’s co-ed kickball team and it has been non-stop fun ever since!  Had I known team sports were this much fun, I may have played some in school!

I was kinda nervous at first.  The first challenge I ran into was finding a place for the team to practice.  After searching high and low, we finally settled on the little park across from the office.  The next challenge was figuring out how to actually practice for kickball.  How does one run “drills”?   More Importantly, “How do I look like I know what I am doing?? At least I have a whistle and clipboard”

I tried to apply what I learned from all the great coaches that saw in movies.  I re-watched “Dodgeball” and “A League of Their Own”.  I had to remind myself that we were playing kickball, so throwing wrenches at my players got removed from the skills and drills list (maybe next year).  I applied the coach wisdom I obtained with phrases like “good hustle” and “call it if it comes to you”.  Surprisingly, I feel like a coach!!!

Our first game was last Thursday night.  It was great to see the whole team in action.  We call ourselves the Ballbarianz and we decided to apply some warpaint for the occasion.  By going with the whole “Braveheart” theme, I also wore my kilt (it felt weird because I was told I had to wear underwear). The ref explained the rules (thank goodness) and I learned more about scoring.  We won 7 – 0 and I’m proud they kicked serious ass!

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I’m already looking forward to the next game!!!!  I would have never thought that I would have had this much fun.  Competitive sports always seemed silly to me, but I’m hooked!!  I don’t see myself joining a lacrosse team or signing up for rugby anytime soon . Kickball is fast paced enough for me, for now 🙂

2 for 1 Deal on Happy Posts…

8 10 2013

After my last post “Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)” I decided to re-read the rest of my posts to see how I have been progressing after the “Big D”.

I didn’t just read the posts I have posted, but also the ones I had in my Drafts folder, and I came to a conclusion.  I need to seriously get happier.

I’ve known this for awhile, but going through and reading my past thoughts basically put the nail in the coffin of negativity.  I’m not moving forward with my life if I am still stuck in the mud of my past.

So lets assess what I have going for me:

  • I’m relatively healthy – (36 nonsmoker)
  • I’m single (and ready to mingle!)
  • I live in a fantastic city – (Charlotte, NC)
  • I have great people in my life!!  Some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for!!!
  • I “feel” happier and ready to move forward

It is so easy for me to get lost in the “poor me” posts!  Where is the challenge?  How does one progress at anything if they aren’t faced with challenges?  I don’t always take the easy way out!

So here is the deal!  For every negative, mopey, bitchy post I write – I am going to force myself to write 2 upbeat, positive posts.

Starting Now!!


Fat Bottomed Girls… (or finding my soul at Karaoke)

7 10 2013

My church is a dimly lit bar

My pastor is the KJ

My Congregation are other fine bar patrons 

My sacrament is a Double Whiskey Sour

My sermon – “Fat Bottomed Girls”


Sometimes, people need something to hold on to during the hardest times in their lives.  Some take up the bottle, some run to church – I choose to sing.

I’m not the greatest singer by far.  I’m hardly in the running for a Grammy or American Idol.

But for 4 minutes and 16 seconds, I’m a rock star.  The music starts up and I testify to the world.  Tonight, its about my love for “Fat Bottomed Girls”

Oh you gonna take me home tonight
Oh down beside that red fire light
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round

The congregation responds by singing along.  They know this sermon and respond by witnessing with me, loudly and drunkenly.  I don’t want a beastly choir of angels, give me this crowd anytime.

Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me

The bell rings behind the bar and more patrons join in.  Screams of “Toohey!” come from the back of the bar – which is weird because I just watched my usual bar crew leave.  Its a co-worker who stopped in for a drink.

I’ve been singing with my band
Across the water, across the land
I’ve seen every blue eyed floozy on the way (hey)
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them naughty ladies every time

More people join in with the chorus..

Hey, listen here
Now I got mortgages and homes
And I got stiffness in the bones
Ain’t no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh, but I still get my pleasure
Still get my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you done made a big man of me (now get this)

I falter with the last half of this verse (partially because of my sacrament of Double Whiskey Sours, partially because I need more practice). Luckily, the KJ is the best in town and he knows to back me up and get me back on track.  He truly is a master at his craft…

Ooh, yeah, oh, yeah, them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls, yeah, yeah, yeah,
All right
Ride ’em cowboy
Fat bottomed girls
Yes, yes, right.

I finish to applause and walk back to my booth and order another drink.  I chastise myself a little for the flubbing of words.  Meh, I’m too hard on myself – all it takes is more practice.

Perhaps I’m a performer at heart, I don’t know.  I always feel alive and refreshed after doing a song at Karaoke.  I wonder if this is what people look for when they go on a spiritual quest….  I don’t really know, but it sure feels great.

The “Bitter” Battle…

1 10 2013

Every time I hear someone is thinking about getting married, or someone says they are about to “tie the knot” I unintentionally cringe.  I don’t even realize I do it!!!  Its instinctive, like smelling rotting broccoli or watching reality TV.

“Its ok Toohey, you’re just bitter” a friend told me after we were discussing yet another friend’s upcoming nuptials.  She is right, I am bitter.  I think marriage is significantly bad idea for ANYBODY!  Why would anyone want to give up their freedom and live under the tyrannical rule of an oppressive dictator?  Why would anyone want to invest all their time, love and money into making one person happy – only to have that person stab you in the back, treat you like shit, and make you want to end it all?  Why would anyone want to invite that PAIN into their life?  Why would…..

****WAIT A MINUTE!!!****

See what I’m doing?  I’m taking someone’s upcoming marriage and automatically projecting my failed marriage onto it.  They didn’t marry a midget with the personality of Kim Jong-il and an inclination to fuck married Auto-Zone employees for discounted  auto parts.  Maybe their marriage will be different?

I just have to learn to catch myself when the topic of marriage comes up.  Not all marriages are an exercise in doom and gloom.  Some are prosperous.  One of my best friends has been married for 20 plus years and they still look at each other with love and devotion .  They have two great kids and still go to Sci-fi Conventions.  This is a good solid marriage!

My divorce changed me.  It removed the veil of naivety and illustrated to me a simple fact, I married someone undeserving of my love.  I wasted 15 years.  It wasn’t all bad, but looking back, it wasn’t all good either.  I see how I was manipulated and lied too.  I see how I invested everything only to loose everything.

“I” is the key word.

Much like a dog that was abused by its previous owner, even the hint of wedding bells is enough to make me shutter.

I know this about myself, and that gives me the power to change it.  When I hear those bells, I don’t need to have the Pavlovian response of bitter words and feelings.

Maybe I just need to condition myself by rewarding myself with chocolate.  Everytime the topic of marriage comes up, I will give myself some credit.  I was married to Kim Jong-il for 15 years and survived to tell the tale!!!  That warrants a celebration!!!!!!