The importance of friends (especially after divorce)

27 03 2013

When it comes to divorce, you are going to loose people in your life. In some cases, your married friends may start distancing themselves. Which is understandable, since your divorce will potentially expose weaknesses in their relationships. Some may simply choose your ex over you and some may just be assholes.
What matters is the friends that stick with you after the dust settles. I’m lucky, I have found some people who are willing to give me their shoulder when I need it, their ear when they I need someone to listen and strength when I’m weak.
This isn’t some drunken mushy post (though the whiskey has been flowing) but it really comes from the heart.
When you get divorced, your life gets turned upside down. You don’t know which direction is up. But, its those people that are there for you that make it easier. When the chips are down, and you feel like everything sucks – you can always get a laugh, a hug or some straight forward advice you can count on your friends to lift you up.

So if you’re going though a divorce, and times are getting unbearable, turn to your friends. You will have ones that shrug you off (they are the ones you should ditch) and then the ones who will joke, cry and care for you.
The secret, is that all the friends that aren’t there take up space on your “friend plate”. The ones that don’t care just take up valuable space on that friend plate. Its like going to a buffet and loading up your plate with the chocolate pudding that tastes great in the beginning but gives you the runs 2 hours after. Better to load up your plate with some solid food and be fulfilled..

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Pray I don’t alter it any further…

25 03 2013

It is funny where you find life lessons.  I was watching Robot Chicken the other day (one of the few shows I watch) and the following skit came on.

I laughed and didn’t think much of it.  Over the next few days, it was sitting in the back of my mind just waiting to give me a “holy crap” moment.  Sure enough, it hit me driving back from Gastonia, NC after seeing some friends for coffee.  The angrier that Lando got at the altering of Vader’s deal, the worse and more outrageous the deal got.  I realized that it wasn’t just a funny skit, but a parody of how my divorce went.

Sometimes, you have to let go and accept the cards your dealt.  When I was going through my divorce, I was hurting.  I had anger, rage, depression and a whole lot of negative crap running through my bloodstream.  You know what, it did more harm to me than good.  I lost friends, allowed a divorce attorney to rake me over the coals and generally made my life hell.  Having all that toxicity in your heart really hurts you in the long run.

Eventually, you get tired of fighting and just accept the deal for what it is.  I lost a lot in my divorce.  Friends, a whole house of my property that I will never get back, almost the kitchen sink (she stopped at taking the kitchen stove – yes, she seriously took the stove!), even the kid that I considered my own.  But what I ended up hurting me more was loosing was my common sense, my dignity and the power to say “fine, I accept it for what it is”.  Instead, I was fighting over things like a 19″ computer monitor!  It was doing me more harm to myself than good.  Every time I would pick something else to fight about – I was just getting the deal “altered”.  I would fight about marital debt – she would pay just the minimum payments (this deal is getting worse all the time).  I would fight about getting a list of marital debt (I told my lawyer I wanted this) I almost get into a fist fight with my lawyer because he kept telling me “we will find that out in discovery”.  Apparently, sending a letter requesting a listing of debt didn’t warrant his $300.00 an hour fee – so he could make more money fighting it in court (this deal is getting worse all the time).  If you’re a divorce attorney reading this blog – GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A BROKEN BEER BOTTLE.

Sorry about that, but seriously if you’re a divorce attorney please jump into the path of an oncoming train.  Where was I – oh yeah.  In the long run, it was easier to give up and just accept the deal for it was.  My scars had healed by then, and I was ready to move on (this deal is very fair and I am happy to be a part of it).  It is understandable feeling hurt, alone and sad going through something like a divorce – but you MUST keep things in perspective.  Otherwise, you could be wearing a dress and bonnet, riding a unicycle while sporting clown shoes and calling yourself Mary…