I’m with me, and we’re OK!

18 02 2013

February 14th.. The day couples enjoy, and singles dread. Where some enjoyed flowers, candy and romantic dinners – while others (myself included) poked holes in the plastic covering our “Lean Cuisine 3 Cheese Casserole” and wondered if our microwaves really had cooking settings other than “high”..

Thats right!! Valentines day!!

But, here is a little secret – this year I spent it in the company of someone who is awesome! Someone who I wake up with every morning and whom I fall asleep with every night.

This person has been with me through rough times and good. Sure, we have had our disagreements (like, when one of us thinks its a good idea to stop drinking, and the other says “one more Fireball shot wont be so bad”) but they are always there with me…

That person is – me (bet ya didn’t see that coming)

I cant tell you how many times I have heard people say things like “I just want someone to love me” or “why cant I find love” – when that person is LITERALLY sitting right there!! Need someone to love you? — LOVE YOURSELF!!! Can’t find love? — LOVE YOURSELF!! I realized something other day, no one else has to love me!!! There isn’t a law stating “everyone shall find love” because that would be insane!!!

Getting through the DMV is rough enough, could you imagine the DTL (Department of True Love)??

Guy:

Yes, I started dating this girl and she sent me a txt stating that she thought we aren’t progressing in our relationship

DTL Agent:

Have you filled out Form TLFB-1247

Guy:

TLFB-1247?

DTL Agent:

Yes the Facebook status to “In A Relationship” permit..

Guy:

No..

DTL Agent:

Ok, fill out this form and you will be allowed to change your Facebook relationship status on a trial basis – that will be 30 dollars cash or check…

*** The 30 dollar reference is directed to North Carolina (start taking debit or credit damnit!!!!)

But I digress..

In all reality, you come into this world with the same person you are going to leave it with – YOU!

I hope everyone finds someone, I really really do!! Who knows, I may never find that person, I may bump into them at the DMV, I could have already met them and we just don’t know we dig each other yet!! Who knows! Its all part of the fun!!! Tomorrow, I may get a flat tire, kicking off a chain of events that put me and the next great love of my life standing in line at a Starbucks while waiting for a tow truck (AAA Roadside Assistance).. Or I may meet that person 50 years from now in a nursing home watching Wheel of Fortune…

Until then, I am just going to love me. Because if you can’t love yourself – how can you expect anyone else to???

Love you all ūüėČ

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First Post… Laying it on the table

11 02 2013

If someone had told a 20 year old me that the “girl of my dreams” would rip my heart out, hand it to me, and expect me to eat it with a smile on my face – I would have thought they were crazy. ¬†Yet, after 14 plus years of marriage, that is exactly what happened. ¬†I came home to find her cleaning out her stuff from the house she wanted in the tiny town she wanted to live in. ¬†I guess you could say that right from the start the balance of power in our “marriage” was in her favor. ¬†Lemme rephrase that, I was completely whipped – simply because I thought I couldn’t do BETTER…

That mistake cost me 15 years of my life that I won’t get back. ¬†I’m looking ahead. ¬†I know I can do better – which is exactly why I started this project. ¬†For the last 15 years, I was scared. ¬†I was scared to “upset the apple cart”. ¬†I was scared to stick up for myself. ¬†I was scared to be alone. ¬†I was scared she would leave. ¬†I was scared I wouldn’t have any friends. ¬†Scared, scared, scared!!!!

You have to hit bottom to realize that fear, isn’t that big deal.

So there I was, she had left. ¬†I had drank 1/4 bottle of whiskey and I was thinking “exactly how many of my anti-depressants could I take to end my life”. ¬†I had spoken to people on the phone and someone called the police. ¬†I voluntarily committed myself to the hospital because I really wanted to die and I knew I would do it by morning. ¬†I remember as the police officer drove me to the hospital,and how he was telling me how he was going through his second divorce. ¬†Divorce?!? ¬†No one said anything about divorce?!? ¬†Erika and I are just having a “misunderstanding” and I am just going to sit down when we are calm and smooth things out. ¬†Divorce isn’t going to happen…..

They checked me and automatically, I realized that my life was about to change. ¬†Being put in a room where things are bolted down for “safety” really changes your perspective on life. ¬†The¬†on-call¬†counselor¬†was a “straight shooter” in my recollection. ¬†She basically told me that she thought I was a danger to myself and that it would be better if I got some rest and be evaluated over the weekend.

I wrote 3 letters to Erika that night, pleading with her to come back.  I still have one of them, and I shake my head whenever I read it because it was written completely out of fear.

That night was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now dear reader, you may think “how could being institutionalized be the best thing that ever happened to him” ¬†Well, I’ll tell you. ¬†While I was there, a few things changed.

  • Perspective: ¬†My life was not as bad as it could be. ¬†I met people with¬†traumatic¬†brain injuries,¬†schizophrenics, severe violent out bursts..
  • Fear: ¬†I was alone. ¬†I was in a mental institution. ¬†I hit bottom.
  • Christian Rock Karaoke: ¬† Yes, as if it is the punchline to a really bad joke – Mental Patients singing Christian Rock Karaoke made me want to live my life to the fullest!

I met with the social worker and the psychiatrist on-call.  Oddly enough, the preceding day I spent making arrangements with  various psychiatrists to work on my abandonment and rage issues.  I was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder and after learning about it, I believe it is a pretty accurate diagnosis.

I called Erika several times but she ¬†didn’t answer the phone. ¬†It turns out she was busy cleaning out bank accounts, clearing out the rest of her stuff from the house and changing her mailing address. ¬†Divorce was¬†imminent, even if at that time, I didn’t want to accept it.